i can (not) smile
by Contaminatedxxx
Summary: Shinji Ikari led a completely normal life, besides his neglectful father and occasional bouts of mania. When Shinji joins a support group by his doctor's recommendation, he meets a mysterious pale boy with rapturing eyes. His name is Kaworu Nagisa, and he isn't what he seems...
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING!**

 _This story contains themes of self-harm, depression, drug abuse, eating disorders, suicide, etc..._

 _Read at your own risk._

 _Also, the characters may be somewhat out of character in some instances._

—

My name is Shinji Ikari. I'm fourteen years old, and I'm here for..."

Shinji's azure eyes scanned the circle of faces watching him expectantly. He had never expected to be here—at a support group at his own father's company! It was almost embarrassing.

"I'm—I'm here for—" He couldn't get the words out. Thankfully, the door across the room opened and a slender boy entered the small area.

"Kaworu! Glad you could join us again," said the therapist, clapping her hands together. She looked only slightly irritated as the boy gingerly took the seat beside Shinji.

He had skin like moonlight and eyes like rubies that would make anyone melt as they met his gaze. For that reason, Shinji avoided it. His fingers were long and graceful, just like the rest of him. His appearance and aura was that of an Angel.

"Glad to be back," the Nephilim boy replied. His voice sounded just as beautiful as he looked, but with a hint of playful sarcasm in his tone.

"I see we have a newbie. What's your name?" Kaworu inquired genially.

Shinji was already feeling tense before the boy named Kaworu entered the room, but now he seemed to be shaking. Everything was so terribly overwhelming that he felt like he might faint at any given moment.

"Shinji," he choked out. His voice sounded strangled even to his own ears. "Shinji Ikari."

The beautiful boy's lips curved up into a thoughtful smile, but Shinji could only see it out of the corner of his eye as he was still making an effort to evade any sort of eye contact. Thankfully, their interaction was short, as the therapist—Ritsuko Akagi, Shinji had heard patients call her—coughed.

"Let's begin group, shall we? Shinji just introduced himself, so let's go around the room and do the same." Shinji noticed the blonde doctor had a habit of chewing on the end of her pen.

Everyone sighed in unison.

The first person to go was a woman who looked to be in her late twenties.

"My name is Misato Katsuragi. Twenty-nine. I'm here for alcohol abuse. I've been in this group for about three months." She had her arms crossed over her chest and her legs folded in her seat. Her eyes were dark, as was her purplish hair.

The next to go was a young girl with bright blue eyes and scarlet hair that she flipped audaciously over her shoulder.

"I'm Asuka Langley Soryu. I'm fourteen, and I don't know why I'm here because this is stupid as hell," the redhead snapped. Ritsuko cleared her throat, and Asuka grunted in reply.

"I'm here because my doctor is a bi—" Her throat was cleared again.

"Anger management and PTSD!" she barked. "And I've been here for four weeks."

Shinji could see Kaworu smile to himself again.

The next paient went.

"I'm Toji Suzuhara," said a boy who looked like a stereotypical jock. He had short ebony hair and tanned skin.

"I'm also fourteen, and I'm here for drug abuse and PTSD," the boy mumbled. "Ten days." He looked very much like he did not want to be here. Shinji supposed nobody did, but Toji seemed especially unenthusiastic.

The boy sitting next to him was pale with brown hair. His skin was splotched with freckles that stood out like paint splatters on a white canvas. He paused from fidgeting with a piece of string in his hands only to push up his large glasses.

"My name is Kensuke Aida. Fourteen. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and anxiety," he said quietly. "Also ten days." He moved a little bit closer to Toji. Shinji wondered if...

The next patient was one of the three females in the room, a frail blue-haired girl with redddish eyes. Her skin was as pale as milk. "Rei Ayanami," stated the girl. "I'm fourteen, and I'm here for depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I've been here for three days."

Shinji felt his chest ache. The people here seemed to real, so genuine—his problems seemed so insignificant compared to theirs. He didn't have it as hard as these people did. He didn't deserve to be there.

All eyes locked on the next patient. The room seemed to go completely still as he spoke, as if he was some sort of respectable celebrity appearing before them.

"My name is Kaworu Nagisa. I'm fifteen," the angelic boy said. Shinji's heart raced just at the sound of his voice.

"I'm here fore depression, anxiety, and self-harm... As well as two suicide attempts. I've been here for about two years."

Shinji sucked in a deep breath of air.

Two years? This boy seemed absolutely perfect, yet he was so damaged on the inside. How could that be?

"It's not a huge deal, so don't be freaked out about it. I'm okay," Kaworu assured him with that brilliant smile of his. For the first time, Shinji met his eyes. They were a brilliant crimson that made his bones feel like liquid and his stomach feel like he had swallowed a jar of butterflies. He felt his face burn in embarrassment.

"Great," Ritsuko interjected. "Now that everyone's acquainted, we're going to start group. Is there anything that anyone wanted to talk about?"

The room was silent as everyone swiveled their heads to look at one another.

"Well, if nobody else wants to go, then I will," Asuka grumbled, her words cutting through the silence of the room. The girl paused.

"Basically, I'm really tired of living," she said with a sigh. "I'm not suicidal or anything, I just don't want to live. Does that make sense?" Shinji saw Kaworu nod beside him.

"Yes," he replied. "That does make a lot of sense. The thought of not having to impress anyone would sound appealing to you, right?" Kaworu inquired gently.

"Yeah, I guess," the redhead admitted reluctantly. Ritsuko seemed to be typing something into her phone.

Shinji shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Um—I can kind of relate to that. Sometimes it's like that for me, but then other times it's for different reasons," Shinji inputted. His eyes widened as he realized what he had just done. Had he really opened up to a bunch of strangers about his most intimate thoughts?

"What about the other times?" Kaworu prodded, looking pleased that Shinji had decided to speak in group.

"I don't know," the chocolate-haired boy mumbled. His cheeks were hot with shame an embarrassment.

"I guess... Just feeling like I don't deserve to live. Looking around here in this room—you all have so many valid problems, and I'm just—I'm just—I don't deserve to be here. I just want to die so I don't have to deal with anything. I hate myself so much, and—"

Shinji paused. Everyone seemed riveted by his words. Had he said too much?

"Sorry," Shinji whispered, his hands clenching the fabric of his pants in his lap.

"Don't apologize. Keep going, you're doing great," Misato encouraged. Shinji bit down on his bottom lip to keep it from trembling.

 _Me? Doing great? She's lying. They're all lying to me_ , he thought to himself, but he didn't voice it out loud.

"I... Never mind." His eyes drifted down and his gaze locked on the shaking hands in his lap.

"That's okay. We can come back to you later if you want to, okay?" Kaworu offered. Shinji nodded in a silent reply.

"Can I keep talking?" Asuka interrupted flippantly. Misato made a small grunting noise.

"Shinji was talking, but yeah," she murmured.

"I was talking first," the redhead snapped. Shinji could tell she was trying desperately to keep herself together.

"I—It's okay," Shinji stuttered, his voice unsteady. "She can talk."

"I don't need your permission, stupid Shinji," she snarled. He shrunk in on himself, bowing his head as he mumbled a quiet apology.

Asuka huffed, twirling her fiery hair between her fingers.

"As I was saying, I'm not really suicidal. I want to live, I just don't want to exist. I don't know," she maundered. She leaned back in her chair and hung her head back to look at the white ceiling.

"Everything's so confusing right now."

Beside Shinji, Kaworu leaned forward. "Do you know what brought these feelings on?" he asked softly. She shrugged.

"I've been having dreams about my mother lately," was her reply.

"Well, that might have something to do with it. Have you—"

A shrill ringtone interrupted their conversation.

"I'm so sorry," Ritsuko apologized as she stood. "I have to take this call. I'll be right back." The blonde started to open the door, but hesitated as she remembered something.

"And _behave_ ," said the therapist, aiming her request at Toji and Kensuke. They snickered to themselves, but nodded.

"Yes ma'am," they chimed in unison. She nodded, exiting the room.

Everyone was silent until Toji said, "Well, I'm going outside for a smoke break. She'll probably be awhile." Misato and Kensuke agreed to go with him.

"You all really shouldn't be doing this, but I'm not going to stop you," Kaworu said softly. A sigh came from Misato. She really did look guilty, but apparently not guilty enough to change her mind.

"It's fine, Kaworu," Toji argued. "She won't find out. We won't get in trouble."

The white-haired male let out a deep breath, straightening his posture and shrugging his shoulders.

"I'm not worried about you getting in trouble. I know you'll be careful. The part that concerns me is that you're still doing this in the first place. You're better than this, Toji. Misato and Kensuke, too. I know you all have the willpower to fight urges like this—you're strong people, and I believe in you. I can't force you to do anything, but... I highly recommend you make the right choice and stay here like Ritsuko asked."

Everyone fell quiet again as Kaworu's words settled in the stale air between them. Nobody wanted to make eye contact or move. Minutes passed as they stood at a stalemate.

"He's right," said Misato, finally breaking the silence. "We shouldn't be doing this."

Toji and Kensuke exchanged glances. "Next time," Toji assured them, and then they left the room.

Kaworu groaned softly and put his face in his hands.

"That's what all of them say," he mumbled through his fingers.

"What do they all say?" Shinji inquired tentatively. Kaworu raised his head and turned to look at him.

"They promise that 'next time' will be when they stop. They're hollow words that don't mean anything," the boy explained. "There's never a 'next time.' No time is the right time."

Shinji nodded, pursing his lips together. His eyes drifted down to Kaworu's hands. They were pale and slender, with nails that were neatly filed. His gaze lowered further and stopped when he saw them.

Deep cuts—angry and red and imposing. His skin was marred and disfigured. Just looking at it made Shinji want to gag. Kaworu could obviously tell by his expression, because he gingerly pulled his sleeve down to cover the wounds.

Shinji quickly looked up and met eyes with the other male, who—to his great surprise—was smiling. It was a melancholic smile that didn't reach his eyes, and it almost looked apologetic.

"It's alright, really," he whispered. "I'm so sorry if you think of me differently." Shinji shook his head rapidly, sapphire eyes widening.

"Not at all! In fact, I..." He gulped. "I've thought about doing that before, but..." He glanced over at Misato who was sitting with her arms and legs crossed. She already seemed to be drifting off to sleep.

Shinji lowered his tone so she wouldn't hear him. He had never confided this much in someone, but something about Kaworu made him want to lay all his secrets out on the table.

"I could never bring myself to do it." The crimson-eyed boy's smile faltered for the first time.

" _Don't_ ," he said firmly. "Don't ever do it. Don't start. Please, Shinji. Don't even think about it."

Shinji's lips parted slightly, awestruck with the sudden passion that filled the other boy's voice.

"I won't," he said, and he really did mean it.

—

yeahhhHHHHH KAWOSHIN FANFICTION. I got this idea, but I'll probably end up deleting the book after awhile because I'll get bored with it. Oh well. I hope you enjoyed it if you read this far! Feel free to give me feedback or point out mistakes.

( ' ▽ ' )ﾉ


	2. Chapter 2

Shinji wasn't expecting anyone to greet him when he returned to his apartment, but nevertheless he called, "I'm home!"

The small house only answered with silence. The boy sighed, sliding his backpack off of his shoulders and onto the ground next to the door. He slipped his shoes off, then headed into his bedroom.

Though it had only been two days since the last support group meeting, he already missed it. Though it brought him immense stress to open up to strangers, he enjoyed being around people who had dealt with some of the same issues as him. It was comforting to know that he wasn't alone in his struggle and that he had a steady support system, which was something he had never had in the past.

Shinji flopped down on his bed and plugged some headphones into his ears. He pressed down on the play button on his SDAT player and let his eyes close, taking a steadying breath as Bach played in his ears and filled his brain with numbing music.I hate this," he mumbled. He felt sick to his stomach as he remembered the terrible marks staining Kaworu's skin. The boy was so angelic that Shinji would have never believed that someone that so absolutely perfect would do something like that to themselves. Though Shinji had promised the other male not to hurt himself, the temptation was always there. If it had worked as a coping skill for Kaworu, maybe it would work for him.

Shinji stood, walking to the kitchen as if in a trance. His feet dragged on the ground as he approached the drawer underneath the microwave and slid if open. He fumbled through miscellaneous items such as pencils and spare eating utensils until he found it.

A box cutter.

It was long and thin, and the blade was sharp. It wasn't shiny, as it had no light to reflect since Shinji hadn't turned them on. He sunk to the floor, baring his wrist in front of him. The flesh was tan and unblemished, and Shinji suddenly thought of how smooth Kaworu's skin must have been before he started hurting himself. It was probably just as silky and pale as milk. It was such a shame that such a beautiful wrist had to go to waste.

"I'm sorry, Kaworu," said Shinji as he held the blade to his skin. A small prick of crimson welled up from underneath it and dripped down his arm, and he immediately panicked. He hurled the weapon across the room and examined his fresh wound.

It was only a small cut, and it seemed to only have barely scratched the surface of his flesh, but his head was still swimming with fear. His limbs shook violently as he attempted to stand, but to no prevail. He tumbled back to the ground again and crumpled in on himself, gasping for air as his throat closed in on itself. It felt like he was dying.

His body trembled as his lungs searched desperately for oxygen and his heart beat madly in his chest. He felt lightheaded and nauseous, and Shinji was sure he was going to faint. Warm tears spilled down his cheeks as he continued to suck in as much air as he possibly could.

Again, he tried to pull himself to his feet. Then, his eyes caught sight of the small splatter of blood on the floor and he felt his stomach lurch. Shinji gagged and heaved until nothing seemed to be left in his stomach, and he was still left shaking and sobbing. He needed to run—he needed to get away from here. The walls seemed to shrink in on him and everything was spinning as he finally managed to stand upright.

He wiped the bile from his mouth with trembling hands, stumbling over his own feet as he headed for the door.

All of a sudden, his phone rang.

This is absolutely the worst time someone could have called me, Shinji thought. However, he picked up his cellular device and answered it.

"H—Hello?" he stammered, his mouth feeling like it was full of balls of cotton.

"Shinji Ikari? It's me, Kaworu," said the familiar voice on the other line. Shinji sighed in relief, though it sounded more like a dry sob.

"Kaworu, I'm so glad it's you. I just—I couldn't—it—I—I did something—terrible," he blubbered between sobs and gasps. "I'm so sorry." He could hear Kaworu make a short humming noise before he spoke again.

"Shinji... Are you alright? Talk to me," the boy encouraged. His voice was gentle but full of fear and concern.

"No, I—I'm so, so sorry Kaworu. I promised," he replied.

"Where are you?" the boy asked. Shinji bit down on his bottom lip.

"My apartment," he managed to get out. The muffled sound of rustling clothes and static emitted from the speaker.

"I'll be right there. Give me your address," he insisted. Shinji sobbed again, shaking his head fiercely.

"No! No, you can't come over," he weeped into the phone. "You can't, I don't want you to—see me like this."

"It's alright, Shinji. No matter what you did or what you look like right now, I'm not going to judge you or be mad at you. I promise," Kaworu assured him. Shinji considered the offer for a few long minutes of silence only accompanied by heavy breathing and occasional whimpers and sobs.

"I'll text it to you," he said finally. "Great," the other male replied, the smile apparent in his voice. They both hung up, and Shinji texted Kaworu the address to his apartment.

What am I doing? he thought. He barely knew this boy, and now he was letting him into his home? But Shinji trusted Kaworu, because had never felt this way around someone. Though they had only met once, Shinji felt like he could tell Kaworu anything. He felt like he could laugh and cry with him and be with him all the time. Was that a odd thing to feel about a stranger?

Shinji shut himself off in his room until he heard a soft knock at the door. For some reason that seemed very like Kaworu to knock so gently.

He opened the door, staring at his feet as his heart fluttered like a butterfly struggling to free itself from a spider's web. Soundlessly, Kaworu shut the door behind himself and advanced to wrap the other male in a tight hug.

Shinji gasped, his muscles tensed and poised to run. It took him a few moments, but when his mind had finally processed the situation, he relaxed. He buried his face in the fabric of Kaworu's shirt and tried to hide the fact that his shoulders were shaking.

He didn't know how long they stayed together like that—Kaworu holding the smaller boy in his arms and Shinji clinging to him like his life—no, his sanity—depended on it. Shinji cried until his throat was burning and raw and his legs could no longer support his own weight. Kaworu practically had to drag Shinji to wash him up and bring him back to bed when they had finally broken their embrace.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Kaworu asked as he sat on the edge of Shinji's bed. The other boy was sitting next to him with his knees pulled up to his chest and his chin resting on his knees.

"I hurt myself," Shinji said, but no words came out. He cleared his throat and tried again.

"I hurt myself," he mumbled.

Quiet.

"May I see?"

Shinji nodded, his blue eyes tired and full of fear. He was exhausted both physically and mentally, and he had no energy to deny any request of Kaworu's. He held his arm out with his wrist facing upwards.

"Oh, Shinji," the white-haired male breathed, gingerly cradling the other boy's arm in his hands.

"Shinji..." He ran the tips of his fingers lightly over the wound. It was so small, so insignificant—just like Shinji—but Kaworu treated it as if it was the only thing in the world that was deserving of his attention at the moment.

Then, to Shinji's surprise, Kaworu raised his wrist up to his lips and kissed his injury. It was very gentle, very cautious, just like Kaworu himself.

"Kaworu," Shinji choked out. His breath hitched in his chest as he tried desperately to keep hold of what little composure he was sustaining.

"I'm sorry this had to happen," Kaworu whispered when he straightened. Melancholic crimson eyes met hollow sapphire ones as they looked at each other.

Then Kaworu was leaning forward and Shinji was panicking and suddenly someone's lips were touching someone else's. Everything was moving so fast but at the same time so slowly, oh, so very slowly. Shinji's felt warm all over and suddenly he could breathe again. The room went black as he closed his eyes and leaned in, deepening their physical contact.

Kaworu pulled away, and Shinji felt like a piece of his heart had just been carved out of his chest. He felt empty and lonely.

"What... What was that?" he inquired quietly. Kaworu smiled, his eyes dancing like warm tongues of fire.

"A kiss," answered the other male, smiling gently. Shinji swallowed hard and shook his head, his throat becoming dry again.

"I'm—I'm sorry, Kaworu, but I can't do this." He moved away from Kaworu and shook his head very slowly. "I can't kiss you." Thought it physically pained him to say it, doing something like that was too much for him.

"Oh."

The pale boy's smile wavered, but never left his lips. His beautiful... Enticing... Lips.

"Oh, I'm sorry—I thought—sorry." He laughed, though it sounded very uncomfortable. Kaworu stood quickly.

"I should probably be going now," he said. Shinji nodded silently.

"Probably," he murmured. Kaworu laughed again, bowing his head in apology.

"Again, I'm very sorry for the misunderstanding. I was under the impression that... Well, it doesn't really matter now. I hope you can forgive me."

And with that, Shinji was left all alone.

Again.


End file.
